Unlearning People-Pleasing: The Biology of Boundaries

The term "boundaries" is tossed around like confetti at a parade, but when it comes to actually implementing them, that can be tricky. It’s a paradox that’s as old as time: the people who need boundaries the most are often the ones most terrified of establishing them. 

When you feel that distinctive stomach knot as someone encroaches on your boundaries, that discomfort isn't in your head—it's hardwired into your biology. When your boundaries are crossed, your nervous system acts as if it's under threat, perceiving boundary crossing as big red flags waving DANGER, DANGER!

We’re not talking about simple behavior changes—we’re talking about disrupting deeply entrenched patterns we’ve established through repeated interactions. 

Those deep-rooted patterns are directly connected to your attachment style. Early attachment experiences created templates for how you navigate relationships, and boundary-setting often conflicts with these internalized ways of thinking—especially if you learned that your needs were secondary to maintaining connection. 

And by the way, that stomach-churning anxiety about confrontation is a learned response. Over time, we’re conditioned to believe that in-the-moment confrontation is scarier than long-term damage to our sense of self. 

Next time you feel those emotions welling up, take a second to pinpoint what happened right before. Was it a conversation with your boss about working late again? Or a friend who calls to tell you everything that’s going on with them and hangs up, leaving you completely drained? This self-awareness will help you recognize and listen to your gut in the moment, rather than days later when you're rage-cleaning your kitchen at 10 PM (been there, done that.)

A few strategies to explore
It’s easy for boundary-setting to turn into a guilt trip. Setting boundaries doesn’t require apologies, but does require a little something called assertive (not aggressive) communication. 

• The sandwich method: In this method, you’ll want to let them know you care about the relationship, clearly state your boundary, and finish strong by reaffirming your commitment to the relationship.

• Get specific: In this method, start the conversation with a specific behavior you’d like changed. It might look like this, “when x happens, I feel y. Moving forward, I’d like z.” Vague boundary setting doesn’t always go too far. When something happens in the moment, call it out kindly and express how you’d like to address the situation moving forward.

Boundary Setting in Action 

Here are a few examples of boundary-setting conversations to get you started.

In friendships + personal relationships:

“I LOVE spending time with you and love seeing you whenever we can, but when you drop by unannounced, it makes me feel like my space isn’t being respected. I care deeply about our friendship, and I’d love for us to find a way to communicate better and be more mindful of each other’s needs.”

At work or in professional settings:

“I enjoy collaborating with you and value your input so much. However, I’m unable to take on urgent requests late in the evening due to personal obligations. I’m excited to continue crushing our project together, and I’d love for us to find a way to align on timelines that work for both of us.”

And for all my chronic apologizers, self-compassion is KEY. So, next time you feel the urge to apologize for having needs, remember your new mantra: “I come first, and I deserve to establish boundaries that support my well-being.”

Resistance is inevitable—but you’ve got this 

Well-established systems hate change, and people tend to push back when their comfort zones are rocked. But don’t sweat it—this is completely normal. Don’t back down just because it feels uncomfortable! Ground yourself with deep breaths to stay anchored in your boundary decision. It’s not a personal attack; it’s simply the fear of change at play.

Consistency is everything. The more you enforce them, the more your brain learns the ropes of self-advocacy. Neuroplasticity in action, people! Your brain is literally rewiring itself to support you.

When DIY isn’t cutting it

If boundary-setting feels overwhelming, consider professional support. A skilled clinician with an interpersonal therapeutic approach can help you navigate complex relationship dynamics and develop personalized boundary-setting strategies.

Healthy boundaries don't damage relationships—they transform them. By clearly delineating where you end and others begin, you create the safety necessary for real connection—not codependency. Sometimes, the most important boundary is the one that creates enough distance for you to remember who you are outside the shadow of others' expectations.