Breaking Free: Identifying, Understanding, and Healing Your Attachment Style

Ever feel like your life is on a loop, with relationships following the same patterns repeatedly? Or find yourself uncomfortable when someone tells you how much you mean to them, caught in a push-and-pull pattern with those you care about? Stick around, you’re going to want to read this. 

The long story short? Linked to early relationships with caregivers, attachment styles play a pretty big role in how you experience intimacy. You’ve probably heard of the basics: secure, anxious, avoidant—but don’t get too caught up on these labels. Attachment styles are actually pretty flexible and can vary from relationship to relationship and evolve as we move through life.

While attachment styles can play a big role in navigating relationships, not everything can be chalked up to an “unhealthy” attachment. Sometimes, people really do take too long to respond to your texts. And sometimes, the intimacy doesn't feel right, and an “icky” feeling can be your gut telling you something’s off. It’s important to remember that your discernment and fears around intimacy are two very different things—and for what it’s worth, talking it out with a therapist can help. A lot.  

What’s Your Attachment Style?

People’s attachment styles and subsequent behaviors can trigger your own—and that’s why it’s so important to have insight into your own tendencies as you move through tough feelings and relationship hurdles. 

If you have a secure attachment style, you likely had caregivers who gave you consistent love and care, and you felt safe expressing yourself. You’re comfortable with intimacy and independence, giving and receiving love without fear of getting too close or needing space. This balance helps you trust that you're worthy of love—even when there’s a little distance or discomfort is thrown into the mix.

If you have an anxious attachment style, it’s likely your emotional radar is always on high alert. You might’ve had caregivers who were a bit unpredictable—sometimes emotionally available, and other times not—leaving you uncertain about when and if you'll get the love you need. You crave constant reassurance, overthink interactions often, and feel exhausted by a cycle of insecurity and fear of abandonment, which can lead to unfulfilling relationships. Anxious attachment can make you feel like something is deeply wrong or unsafe, manifesting physically as stress, such as increased heart rate, heightened sensitivity to potential threats in your environment, stomach aches, and difficulty relaxing. These physical symptoms reinforce the belief that you’re in danger, making the cycle even more difficult to break.

If you have an avoidant attachment style, you probably learned to value independence because your caregivers were emotionally distant or discouraged emotional reactions. In adulthood, this can manifest into feelings of overwhelm when it comes to intimacy, and you may find yourself pulling back to protect yourself from vulnerability, preferring self-reliance over closeness. Sometimes, relying only on yourself can feel safer, but can lead to isolation or dissatisfaction in relationships, with partners or friends feeling like they can never know the *real* you. 

And lastly, there’s disorganized attachment. This means you might have had caregivers who sent mixed signals and were inconsistent in showing you love. This combination of anxious and avoidant behaviors creates confusion, where you crave closeness but are also terrified of it, making your relationships feel difficult to navigate.

Sometimes, we’re a little bit of this and a little bit of that (and that’s more common than you’d think). But before you go down a self-diagnosing rabbit hole, please remember that identifying with any of these “labels” is not a life sentence! These are simply ways to understand certain patterns of behavior or emotional responses, not a definitive verdict on who you are, your worth, or your potential for emotional growth. 

Using evidence-based techniques, a compassionate therapist can help you explore attachment issues—working on your ability to trust in relationships to create healthier, more fulfilling connections (platonically, romantically, or even professionally).

Getting Help and Doing the Work For Stronger, Healthier Relationships 

Finding a provider who understands your point of view, as well as your unique needs and preferences, is integral to working through attachment wounds. 

Every therapist has a specialized approach to therapy (fun fact: in the therapy world we call these “theoretical orientations”)—and really great therapists have a variety of techniques at their disposal, ready to adapt to the unique needs of their clients.

For instance, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is great for identifying and challenging negative thoughts that might be holding you back. You’d be surprised at how much changing the narrative in your mind can shift your perspective and lead to better outcomes.

Additionally, there’s psychodynamic therapy, where you and your therapist work together to explore how early childhood experiences shape how you respond to people today. This process can help uncover clues about the past to help you understand how you navigate your world today. If that sounds daunting, I get it. While digging up the past can lead to uncomfortable feelings, it often leads to a deeper understanding of yourself, which can help you process emotions and ultimately, find clarity. Think of it like working out—tough in the moment, but incredibly rewarding with consistency. 

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg—there are *so* many different techniques therapists can use to help you work through attachment wounds. The goal of working through these issues isn’t to assign blame to your parents for past experiences, point fingers at your partner, or “fix what’s wrong with you.” You are not broken (promise!). It’s about understanding yourself and taking small steps to cultivate healthier relationships and overall well-being.   

Ready to learn more about yourself and break patterns that aren’t serving you? Book a (complimentary) consultation with an Unknotted mental health clinician who is dedicated to providing a therapy experience that’s as unique as you are.